Counting Stars
by kittymills
Summary: Directly after the end of ME1 & the defeat of Saren/Sovereign, Shepard has a moment to think about what she wants from Kaidan & they spend some time together before going back on duty. Inspired by Counting Stars by One Republic
1. Chapter 1

Counting Stars

 _ **This song**_ _fits Rayne in ME1 so well. It inspired these writes._

 **Part I**

Rayne Shepard refused to be treated for her injuries anywhere but the Normandy and Anderson wasn't inclined to argue. It had taken reserves she didn't know she had to pull herself out of the rubble of the tower. She had heard over the comms that Sovereign had been destroyed moments before a dark shadow loomed terrifyingly over her sending her diving for cover. The same guardian angel that had saved her back on Auzke reared up again. It was the only explanation for how she survived, she thought to herself as she clambered over the bizarre alien shrapnel and limped towards Anderson's voice below.

That final battle against Saren felt like hours ago now, but in reality it hadn't been long at all. Shepard and her team of Garrus and Kaidan huddled tiredly in the decontamination unit of the ship before stepping back on board. None of them spoke, all too tired and frankly bewildered to put voice to the last 48 hours.

The internal doors slid open and Garrus disappeared without a word, no doubt back to his usual station to digest the recent events while Shepard herself and Kaidan made their way to the med-bay. Kaidan was moving slowly, his eyes half closed against the lights of the command centre. She had could see the migraine starting to beat about the inside his skull, his lips were tight and his skin was pale and clammy. She used the pretense of holding him up to slip her arm around his waist and spoke softly into his ear.

"Go to my cabin, I'll get Chakwas to come see you in there."

"Shepard-" Kaidan started to protest weakly, giving his head a short shake before groaning low. "Regs-"

"Shhh," she cut him off. "The med bay is going to be too bright and too noisy. You need a dark room and some quiet."

He didn't say anything more and she knew she was right. They separated as they got off the elevator – She headed off to the med bay and Kaidan towards her cabin.

Chakwas was waiting for her by the door, worried lines about her eyes. Her voice was almost sharp with concern. "Commander, are you alright?"

"I'm fine," Shepard said with a wave of her hand. She waited until they entered the medbay and Chakwas shut the door behind them. "But the Lieutenant needs some pain relief and some rest in a dark space."

Chakwas paused, her eyes narrowed at Shepard. Shepard felt vaguely uncomfortable for a brief moment, wondering if Karin's obvious disapproval harked back to her burgeoning relationship with Kaidan. Did she know? Surely they hadn't been that obvious?

"You should at least let me look at that head wound."

Shepard put a hand to her head and was surprised to see blood on her fingertips. "Huh, didn't even feel that."

"I'm surprised you don't have a headache too. You should both rest. Let me get my things."

She followed Shepard into her cabin where they found Kaidan sitting at the edge of her bed, his head in his hands. Chakwas strode over to him without hesitating, running her omnitool over him and administrating the pain relief he so sorely needed. Within moments, colour had come back to his cheeks but he still looked utterly exhausted.

"Thanks, Dr Chakwas."

"Get some rest yourself, Commander. You're going to have a lot of explaining to do when the Council gets back to the Citadel."

Shepard shrugged ruefully. "Don't I know it."

Without another word, Chakwas let herself out. As soon as the door slid shut, she forced her tired legs to carry her to Kaidan's side. "Kaidan," she said softly. "Let me help you up."

He nodded silently and climbed gingerly to his feet. With fumbling hands, he tried to undo the latches on his armour but she pushed them away firmly. He didn't argue with the silent command, letting her take away plate after plate then collapsing heavily onto the bed in only his black undersuit that hugged him like a second skin. His eyes drifted shut as soon as his head hit the pillow.

Shepard paused for a moment despite her own tiredness. It felt so comfortable to have him here in her bed considering all the rules and regs of the Alliance screaming at her how wrong it was. He must really be suffering, she thought, disappointed to see that although he was now sleeping, the grimace of pain was still faint on his features. Without thinking, she leaned forward and stroked his cheek feeling the dark stubble under her fingertips. She was still buzzing from the success in defeating a reaper, defeating Saren but her own exhaustion tugged at her. In that moment she wanted nothing more than to curl up beside him.

Moving away from the bed she crossed the room and began to strip off her armour, hesitating when it came to crawling into the sheets in her underwear or erring on the side of caution and putting her BDU's on. Technically, she wasn't off duty and she knew there was a shit storm coming, she just had no idea of the schedule. With her Alliance uniform on bar her boots, she climbed onto the bed beside Kaidan, gingerly moving over the mattress for fear of disturbing him. She needn't have worried, he was deeply asleep and a good thing too because no sooner had her head touched the pillow when Joker's voice rang out over the comm.

"Commander, the Council are requesting us to rendezvous with them ASAP. I tried to stall them but… well, they want to talk to you. In person."

Shepard groaned quietly and took a moment to gather her strength. She swung her legs off the bed, feeling around for her boots in the low light and slipping them on. Apprehension sat in her gut like a lead weight. They might have saved the council and defeated a reaper, but there was still going to be hell to pay. She dreaded this meeting but she was confident in the decisions she had made and she'd do it all over again if she had to. With one last glance at the sleeping man in her bed she headed to the bridge.

–

Kaidan was waiting for her when she got back and this time the exhaustion was too much. She was barely able to respond when he greeted her, looking somewhat refreshed after his rest. She envied him. Right in that moment, all she wanted to do was down some pain relief and close her eyes. The stress of the fighting had finally caught up with her and it hit her hard, the squabble with a grateful but still incredulous council sapping the last of her strength.

"I woke up and you were gone," Kaidan said, rubbing the back of his neck. On closer inspection, he still looked tired. It was going to take days, maybe weeks to recover fully after that ordeal. With any luck, maybe they could finally take that shore leave that was promised to them. She sighed, hitting the door lock behind her as she stumbled into the cabin. She caught Kaidan's flicker of surprise as he registered her action. She had locked him in with her and she had no intention of letting him leave. Right now, she desperately needed a friendly face.

"The council," she muttered tiredly, "wanted a blow by blow personal account of exactly what went down today."

"Oh," he said sympathetically. "Guess we still have a lot to answer for." Then he straightened, cocking his head as he studied her with those amber eyes. "Shepard, have you slept?"

She shook her head, crossing the cabin and starting to undo her uniform's copious buckles and buttons as she went. She glanced at him quickly, hoping he wouldn't be embarrassed, hoping that he realised she wanted him to stay right there. He paused for the briefest second before moving to her side and catching her hand in his. "Shepard, you're dead on your feet. You took care of me, now let me do the same for you."

"Technically that was Chakwas," she responded with a weary half smile. He blinked and hesitated for a heartbeat.

"Should… Ah, should I get her for you?"

In spite of her tiredness, she chuckled. She pulled a small canister from her pocket with her free hand. Her other hand was warmly ensconced in his and it send a wave of warmth surging over her skin. "Already got what I needed from her. I just need sleep now." She paused then lifted her head to meet his gaze directly. Her stomach did a little flip as their eyes met. "And you."

"Shepard," he said her name on a breath, tugging on the hand he held and gathering her up into his arms in one smooth, fluid movement. God, it felt so good to be held, to be able to let go of all the rigidly held tension inside of her. She fleetingly wished he had known Kaidan after Akuze. She wished she could have been pulled from the rubble and dropped into his arms. Maybe it would have soothed some of the trauma. Right now, it felt like a balm to her soul to have someone to lean on.

He surprised her by carrying her a few steps to the bed. He sat her down then kneeled in front of her to tug off her boots. She chuckled tiredly at that. "Kaidan, I'm not completely helpless."

"Shh, just let me take care of you for a while."

With her boots gone, his warm hand rested on the curve of her ankle and it made her catch her breath. She could feel his faintly calloused hand on her skin, the way he brushed his thumb over her - the way he was looking up at her with eyes dark and warm and impossibly deep… He made her think of things she hadn't thought of in years. Things she never realised she wanted. A life away from the military, the two of them exploring the galaxy together, not having to hide what they meant to each other – long nights of him buried between her thighs and his mouth on hers. She wanted to know what it would be like to settle in one place, with him to come home to every night, what his family was like, what their family would be like – all the possibilities that existed for them, and in that moment she wanted to know them all.

But like a cruel master, Sovereign's voice boomed in her head and reality crashed over her like a cold wave. Despite the victory today, it wasn't over. The fight was only just beginning. She tore her eyes away and took a shuddering breath, trying to banish the unbidden imaginings that flowed through her mind's eye when he touched her. In her weary state, her emotions got the better of her and her eyes pricked. It was foolish to think those things, to let them take root in her heart. She was a solider and so was he. And to save the galaxy, they had the fight of their lives ahead of them.

After a few more heartbeats where he seemed to read the thoughts in her mind, his hand slipped from her ankle and he loomed up over her as he climbed to his feet. Without words, he placed his hands on the buckle of her belt, watching her carefully to ensure that he wasn't over stepping any boundaries as he tugged on it to strip her of her clothes. He was so cautious, even after the last night they spent together; he still waited for her go ahead before taking action. She wondered briefly if his past with Rhana and BAaT had something to do with that, if they had been the ones to shatter his confidence so completely but before she could even finish that wayward thought, he slid her shirt off over her shoulders. The cool air of the ship brushed over her bare skin causing her to gasp softly at the sudden change in temperature.

"Kaidan," she whispered his name, letting all her stirred up emotions seep into the word. The longing in her voice was obvious and he responded by gathering her close again. She found the act of being half undressed in his arms to be wildly erotic but too tired to act on it.

"I'm here, Shepard. I'm right here."

The steady thrum of his heartbeat lulled her eyes shut as she rested her cheek against his chest. She could fall asleep right there, wrapped up in his warmth.

And that was exactly what she did.


	2. Chapter 2

_Holy crap. This was the hardest thing I've ever had to write and I'm still not completely happy with it. It was difficult to stay true to Rayne but to get out how I felt their conversation went. They have a habit of talking in circles to each other, saying one thing and meaning another. For her to be so forthright was… unusual. I guess it stands to show the intensity of how she feels about Kaidan. Anyway. I hope it's okay. Set at the end of ME1._ **{Counting Stars - Part I}**

Rayne Shepard woke from disjointed dreams momentarily disorientated. Remnants of battles fought and faces loved coming together in ugly clashes sent her skin crawling. She blinked, lying still until she had gathered her thoughts. It all came back to her all in a rush – _Ilos, Vigil, Saren… Kaidan._

She turned over, brushing her hair over her eyes and squinting slightly against the light of the lamp.

Kaidan was still there, his head resting on his forearms as he sat at her desk. She could see the telltale glow peeking out from under his arms. He had no doubt fallen asleep again typing up his mission report. They seemed to keep missing each other, she thought as she finally sat up and pushed back the sheets. She was mildly startled to realise she was only in her Alliance issue tank top and underwear – Kaidan must have finished undressing her when she was asleep and her cheeks went pink at the thought.

She sat up, casting her eyes around the cabin to see where her uniform might be and spied it sitting in a neatly folded pile on the floor beside her bed. It made her smile to herself knowing that Kaidan had taken the time to straighten them as she slept.

With a rustle of the sheets, she sat up and reached for them, knocking a datapad that had been balancing precariously on her bedside table to the floor with a clatter. She cringed as Kaidan jerked awake with a grunt, sitting up suddenly and rubbing his eyes.

"Shepard. Hey. Sorry, I must have, ah. Fallen asleep." He looked down at the datapads on the desk as though surprised to see them. "Still tired, I guess."

"I'm not surprised," she answered. "How long have I been asleep?" _And did you stay here the whole time?_ She didn't say the last part out loud.

"Almost seven hours by my watch," he said, glancing at his omni-tool. "Joker docked us on the Citadel and they've started repairs. Most of the crew have disembarked, Anderson's got them helping with the clean-up."

"Why wasn't I notified?" she asked frowning, surprised at the changes while she was asleep.

"Anderson didn't want you disturbed. He was pretty pissed that the Council hauled you in already. I think he wanted to be debriefed first."

Shepard groaned inwardly at that. "Great, he's going to kick my ass for that."

Kaidan let a low chuckle rumbled from his chest. "Can't really say no to the Council," he replied with a shrug.

"No, but they can certainly say no to us."

She glanced back down at her uniform, just out of arms reach then back at the biotic sitting at the cabin desk. He was rubbing the back of his neck and turning his head as though trying to work out the kinks in his neck. She couldn't imagine it must have been very comfortable asleep there and she wondered why he didn't just climb in beside her under the sheets. She would have.

"Shepard, about… about last night-"

"Last night after Saren last night? Or… before Ilos?" she interrupted. The final fight against the rogue spectre already felt like years ago but the night they spent together was still as fresh as a memory could be. She swore if she concentrated hard enough, she could still feel the zing of his touch on her body.

"Before Illos," he clarified. His expression was closed off, too much like he was thinking like her subordinate, not her equal. And in this cabin, at that moment, she considered them equals. She tried to lighten the mood.

"I seem to be at a bit of a disadvantage here for this conversation," she tugged on the sheet ruefully, glancing up at him.

"Oh," he looked startled then his cheeks went faintly pink. "I'll let you dress."  
Kaidan turned to leave but Shepard let out a low huff. "I was thinking more that you could join me."

He went very still, turning to her with a guarded expression. Shepard wasn't sure she liked that. She continued. "You said the crew's all gone, it's just us left on board?"

He nodded. "As far as I know."

"I guess we have time now to work out what this is, huh?"

"Yeah," he agreed softly. "We do."

She patted the sheets beside her in invitation. "Come here."

He didn't need to be told twice, moving easily to the bed and causing the mattress to dip. She pushed the sheet away and quickly rolled over to straddle him, keenly aware of the way the buckles and buttons of his uniform pressed against the exposed flesh of her thighs.

"Shepard," he breathed. She half expected him to hold back, but he lifted his hands and slid them up under her shirt to skim over her back and she leaned down to kiss him, brushing her lips over his and shivering involuntarily as his touch became firmer.

It seemed that neither of them wanted to broach the subject first, at least not with words anyway. There was a lot unsaid between them but it was impossible to deny the way her body reacted to his touch. It wasn't just her body that reacted, but her mind – becoming quiet and clear when she heard his voice. He was quickly becoming her anchor, something to keep her grounded when it all seemed too much and the stress threatened to overwhelm her. It was a little frightening. She had relied on herself alone for so long, to have someone else to lean on was a new experience.

The sudden doubts made her pause and the blood ran cold in her veins. Kaidan sensed the shift and broke away from the kiss. Without thinking, she tried to move away but his hands were circled around her wrists lightly enough for her to realise she didn't really want to move.

She looked away and sighed heavily. "This is going to be complicated, isn't it."

It wasn't really a question and when he didn't respond, she tugged away from him again. He made no move to stop her this time, his eyes dark and shadowed. She suddenly felt vulnerable in only her underwear and reached for her uniform with her back to him. She heard him shift behind her on the bed as she pulled on her shirt, then her pants, each layer feeling like a piece of armour shielding her heart and her emotions.

The truth was that she needed him in so many ways but her need to fight the reapers was the need that mattered most. She wasn't sure she could do that without him at her side – after all, he had been there since the beginning, since Eden Prime and the beacon. He was there on Virmire, at Illos when they talked to Virgil. He knew the fight ahead of them and she needed someone she could trust. But she didn't want their night together to fade into obscurity, never to be repeated.

She sat on the edge of the bed feeling oddly deflated. She felt the brush of his hand against her hair and almost sighed at the touch. She wanted to lean into him so badly.

"I'll talk to Anderson later. Request a transfer if that's what you want."

She stiffened at his words before turning slowly. His eyes were downcast but he dragged them up to meet hers when she turned. "After last night, I can't pretend I don't feel anything for you, Shepard. I can't be the one to hold you back."

It took a moment for his words to register in her confusion. The idea of him leaving the Normandy made her stomach drop to the floor. She tried to picture the crew without him and it felt wrong. Not only because she would lose an incredible solider, but because she realised he had her heart. It was selfish, but she wanted to be able to see him each day, to talk to him. They worked so well together as a team and she trusted him in combat like she trusted few else.

"Kaidan, no… that's not the answer."

"Isn't it?" He looked sad. "What I feel for you, Shepard… I can't deny it."

"Then don't," she hissed suddenly, a faint sense of panic welling up in her and catching her completely off guard. In that moment she couldn't bear the thought of being without him – in any capacity. "What is it going to take for you to realise that I feel the same way. Kaidan, I've never felt like this about anyone. I… I'm not sure I _could_ let you leave."

The expressions played across his face from elation to confusion. She hurried on.

"I need you in this fight. We took down Saren, we have to stick together. Not just combat but-" She shook her head. "I want to know what this is, Kaidan. What we could be together. And I know you do too."

"I do, Shepard." The intensity of his look sent a shiver down her spine. She could see the emotion in his eyes. The longing. And something that looked horribly like regret. "But the rules against fraternization are there for a reason and-" he shook his head. "I don't want to sneak around."

"And I don't want to lose you. So where does that leave us?"

His mouth opened then closed again, and she waited for what felt like an eternity. She could feel her stubbornness rising to the fore. She wasn't willing to let him go. She knew she needed to overcome his resistance and she knew that he wanted it too… but it hurt to see the reluctance in his eyes. She wanted to continue this, to see where it could lead them, regs be damned. She wanted him fighting beside her in combat and she wanted him in her arms when they weren't.

"I'm a spectre now," she said suddenly, taking a different tack. She wanted to banish the distance yawning between them. She edged closer to him and took his large hand in her own. "Maybe the regs won't apply like they used to."

She said the words softly, hopefully while trailing her fingertips over his palm. She felt him shudder and when he caught her gaze, she saw a flicker of hope there. She wanted to sing with elation. He entwined his fingers with hers and pulled them into his lap.

"Don't leave Kaidan. I need you."

She cupped his cheek with her free hand, bringing him closer so she could kiss him and he kissed her back with a need that caught her by surprise. In a heartbeat, she was flat on her back on the sheets, arching up as Kaidan's lips travelled from her mouth to her neck and back again. She moaned softly and he shifted, resting his forehead against her own.

"Shepard, don't… don't say it if you don't mean it. Or I won't be able to leave."

"Let's just take the regs one day at a time," she whispered, brushing her fingers down his cheek. The stubble on his jaw was rough under her fingertips. "We still don't know where we stand with the Alliance. After all, we did mutiny-"

"Stole a warship," he murmured as he leaned in for another kiss.

"Breaking regs-" she gasped as he grazed his teeth against the skin of her jaw. Dear god but he made her body sing in a way she never realised it could. "… will be the least of our worries."

She indulged herself in his loving ministrations for a few moments longer, enjoying every trace and whispered breath against her skin. His touch was gentle but strong. She loved the way he held her, as though she was made of something precious and special. She'd been treated as ass-kicking, unbreakable Commander Shepard for so long it felt so incredibly good to let herself go, to allow herself to feel vulnerable, to give over her power to someone else. She knew she was safe with him. Kaidan would never hurt her.

"Kaidan," she sighed his name. She loved to say it, the way it sat on her tongue just felt right. It all felt right. And it had been so many years since anything had felt like this.

He drew back, reluctantly breaking contact and watching her with his beautiful dark eyes. She swallowed then, suddenly nervous. Although she was confident of his feelings for her, a small part of her still beat about her mind, terrified of potential rejection. She pushed herself up and he moved, a tinge of disappointment in his gaze. There was nothing more she would like to do than to feel him pressed over her but what she needed to say next… she needed it to be said without the distraction of physical contact.

The captain's cabin of an Alliance warship probably wasn't the best place to have this discussion, she realised belatedly. She could feel the pressure of their duty weighing down on them. It was easier now for her to shake it off, becoming a Spectre had given her a freedom she had long missed. But for Kaidan, it was different. What she wanted from him could cause him to lose everything but he'd already proven he'd believed in her enough to go against everything to be beside her in her fight. She just hoped he believed in _them_ too.

"If we're going to do this…" She stood and began to pace in front of him, her brow furrowed. Then she stopped and looked at him directly in the eye, realising she was about to lay it all out on the line and she could either end up with everything she wanted, or send him scurrying to Anderson. "It has to be real Kaidan. I'm not willing to risk our careers over a casual fling-"

He looked hurt at that. "I'm not like that Shepard-"

"I know you're not," she inwardly cursed herself, frustrated it wasn't coming out like she needed to. She wasn't used to words failing her. She cast around for a better way to express herself and came up lacking. "I just need to say this – If we do this, it has to be for the long haul. You and me as a team. We beat the reapers, we live happily ever after."

She could see the thought churning in his eyes and wondered briefly if she'd misjudged the intensity of their feelings. Kaidan didn't seem the sort to shy away from commitment but his silence made her pause. In the stillness, she perched back beside him on the bed. Gingerly, she took his hand, turning over his palm and casting her eyes down, trying to hide the anxiety starting to churn in her gut. She didn't want him to see that and feel guilty and agree to something he felt he should just to make her happy. No, she needed him to come into this of his own free will, without coercion or some misguided sense of duty.

"Take some time to think about it."

She patted his hand awkwardly then wondered why she did that before rising to her feet again to put some distance between them. She moved to the door and her hand hovered over the panel, making it clear she wanted him to leave. It was cowardly to boot him out after dropping such a bombshell on him but she knew she couldn't have him stay nearby without being reduced to begging, or worse - commanding. "You're going to be putting your career on the line; you need to decide if I'm worth it."

She opened the door and gestured him through and without a word he rose and took a number of steps.

"Shepard-"

"No pressure, Kaidan. You know how I feel about you but I can handle rejection if that's what you're worried about. It won't change things. It won't change this crew." She forced a grin to her face to soften the words. It was important that he feel he could make the decision himself, that he not take it as some kind of subconscious demand. She wanted him to be as committed as she was. "We'll talk later," she said softly. She watched the broad planes of his back shift under his uniform as walked away.

The door slid shut behind him, leaving her alone with her thoughts. The sudden silence and emptiness hit her hard, giving her a strangely sick feeling in her stomach she wasn't expecting. It wasn't often she felt out of control like this. It made her anxious to wonder what his decision might be. Could she really treat him as just another solider if he decided to peruse his career and not their relationship? She shoved the thought aside as quickly as it came. Of course she could, she just wouldn't enjoy it.

Determined to find something else to occupy her thoughts and to ignore the churning of her gut, she crossed the cabin quickly, grabbing up the data pads and starting to read through the reports Kaidan had written, thinking about what she needed to add to her own, how much detail she needed to include. It would sound incredulous no matter what she put down but she dare not leave any part out. Their reports would no doubt be circled amongst the highest of Alliance brass so it was important they knew everything she did.

She was momentarily distracted thinking about the reports and the events of the last few days that door to her cabin sliding open again almost didn't register. She glanced up in surprise, not sure who it could be, Kaidan having explained to her earlier that only a skeleton crew remained on board. Perhaps it was one of the maintenance crew ready to do a once over of the cabin and she opened her mouth to ask them to come back at a later time. As she turned she was startled to see Kaidan standing there, his arms limp at his sides and his mouth set in a rough line.

"Kaidan? What's wrong?"

"I know what my decision is, Shepard."

His voice was low and he sounded pained and all at once, her stomach dropped even further. It felt like it plummeted so low it was currently sitting in the cargo bay. She sighed a little, putting down the datapad and trying to ignore the ache that suddenly blossomed in her chest. Judging by the harrowed look on his face, she guessed the news wouldn't be what she'd hoped for and it hurt already. She steeled herself and straightened up.

"It's all right, Lieutenant," she answered brusquely, pulling on her CO mask. "I understand."

For a moment, Kaidan looked confused. She could see that the use of his rank had caught him off guard, as though he suddenly wasn't sure if he was there in a formal capacity or not. He frowned and lifted his hands. "Shepard, no, you don't understand."

Now it was her turn to be confused. She dropped the datapad to the desk as a tiny sliver of hope unfurled inside her. She tried to ignore the sudden increase in tempo of her heartbeat. She almost couldn't bear to breathe.

"Then tell me."

He strode into the room, the door sliding shut behind him and once again enveloping them in their own private bubble. The light from her lamp washed over his olive skin, lighting up his amber eyes and showing her a look of absolute determination painted there. She'd only seen that look on the battlefield, when he was concentrating hard manipulating dark energy to take out the enemy. It unsettled her. Did he think she was the enemy?

"I've been pacing outside for what felt like forever, wondering how I could have let you push me out like that before I could say what I needed to say."

He came to a stop directly in front of her, reaching for her hands and clasping them tightly. The touch of his skin on hers felt so good and once again she was struck by what a good fit he was for her. His thumbs ghosted over her bare wrists and a shiver rolled down her spine.

"I wanted you to have time to think, to consider all your options, Kaidan. It's a big decision. Not one I want you to take lightly."

"And I won't," he stressed. "I haven't. The truth is Shepard, I've been thinking about this for days. And I know what I want." He lifted one of her hands and held it to his cheek. "I want this. I want you. You're the most incredible woman I've ever known."

A warm flush fluttered over her skin at his words and the tight little box of emotion she'd tried to keep buried down abruptly exploded inside her. The sudden onslaught made her feel faintly dizzy. She hadn't realised then how nervous she had been, how unsure that maybe he wasn't ready for what she wanted. It was crazy, she knew. To want to fast forward their fledgling relationship so quickly, but they had worked side by side for months now. She had seen him when he fought, how he soldiered on when his migraines tried to bring him down. They had talked long into the nights, they'd gotten through the loss of a dear friend together. And they had faced the wrath of the galaxy by following their steadfast beliefs. She had seen his kindness, his integrity, his commitment to the mission at hand. Aside from the physical attraction, she understood that they knew each other well enough to do this and he did too. They'd gone through hell together and found a heaven waiting for them in each other.

She smiled then, a real heartfelt smile that lit up the room and made her laugh. The darkness in his eyes faded at the sound. She wasn't sure who moved first but it didn't matter. His arms were around her and his lips were brushing over hers tenderly for a few heartbeats before she flexed her fingers and tightened her grip on him. He responded in kind, wrapping her up tight and deepening the kiss until she was practically drowning. The elation from defeating Saren and destroying Sovereign paled in comparison to what she was feeling in that moment.

When the kiss finally broke, he cradled her close so she could lay her head on his chest. She felt him chuckle, his shoulders shaking lightly and she drew back with a raised eyebrow. "What's so funny?"

"I never thought I would be standing here trying to decide if it's too early to ask my commanding officer to marry me." His expression turned serious again. "Because that's what I want, Shepard. I know we have a lot to do now, convincing the council to take the reaper threat as real and fighting them, but when it's all over…."

He trailed off when she lifted a finger to his lips. Her voice cracked slightly and she could feel stinging behind her eyes.

"Ask me when it's all over. I promise my answer will be yes."


	3. Chapter 3

III.

There was a certain freedom to be had with the Normandy all but deserted. There was no Joker to interrupt their kisses, no one demanding her time or attention every second of every day. No one but a very naked and very satisfied lieutenant tangled in the crisp white sheets with her. She sighed softly into the pillow and marvelled at just how at peace she felt now that they had solidified what they were to each other. Of course, it helped that it came off the back of a major victory against Saren and a Reaper.

"You're beautiful," she heard him whisper as his fingers danced over her skin. He leaned down to kiss her shoulder. A small scar rested there on her pale skin, a remnant from Akuze.

"You make me feel beautiful… human," she replied, repeating back his own words to her as she rolled over to her side and propped herself up with her chin in one hand. The sheet moved with her, dropping to her waist and exposing her flesh. She liked the way his eyes went dark at the sight. "Not just _Commander Shepard_."

She said the last part mockingly with a small roll of her eyes. They'd made the mistake of turning on the news vids earlier, and the reports were full of 'saviour of the citadel' and the geth attacks. She'd frowned heavily at the lack of mention of the Reapers until Kaidan had switched it off and pulled her attention back to him.

"We'll be back to it in a few hours, I don't want to spoil this time we have now by hearing the spin from the council."

"You're right," she had nodded and tugged him back down over her, breathing in his skin and the beat of his heart.

With every kiss, every gentle thrust, every drag of her nails over his back, the tether between them grew stronger and stronger. Being with Kaidan was unlike anything else she'd ever experienced, so different to the quick fumbles in the dark of her youth that had left her dissatisfied and wondering what was the point until she'd given it away to concentrate on her career. She poured her whole self into being the best solider she could be, to living up to her family name – and it had showed in everything she did until she was recommended and then breezed through the N7 training. She hadn't bothered following up on any attractions and as she rose through the ranks, any potential suitor became too intimidated anyway. She liked that Kaidan saw her as more than just her rank. He saw her for who she was as a woman, and he didn't let her forget it. He held her in his lap, sheathed inside her and moved her slowly, holding her gaze until she was drowning in his whiskey depths. Making love to Kaidan was slow and sensual and everything she never knew she needed.

She leaned in to kiss him, the only contact between them the brush of their lips against each others. He tasted like mint and chocolate and when he probed gently with his tongue, she didn't hesitate to let him in and deepen the kiss. She reached up and cupped his face in her hands, sliding them lovingly over his jaw and hooked them over his shoulders as he shifted her. His lead was so subtle she was almost wasn't aware what was happening until she was on her back, staring up at him.

He looked down at her with an expression she couldn't quite read. It was so serious, so deep. Like he was committing very part of her to the deepest recesses of his memory. It made her want to smooth away the tiny crease on his forehead until the light came back to his eyes. Instead, she stroked the light scar of his implant and he tensed before relaxing and sinking against her. She wasn't as good at the tiny controlled use of biotics like Kaidan was so she held herself back.

"Show me," she whispered.

He hesitated for a heartbeat then she felt the hair on the back of her neck stand up and the tell-tale buzz of his biotics skittering under his skin. He started to glow and his eyes went from amber to azure.

"Wow," she breathed, enthralled by the change and the seemingly effortless way he was able to hold it. "Your control is incredible. If I tried that, I'd probably end up punching a hole through the hull and vaulting us into the vacuum of space."

Kaidan chuckled at that then the glow faded. She was pleased that he was smiling. "BAaT was rough, but I guess they did teach me a lot."

"You're incredible, you know that right?"

He looked away as though embarrassed and she pressed her lips to his shoulder in a kiss, wishing she was better with words. There was so much about him she admired, so much about him that made her fall so hard for him. _Her._ Commander Shepard. She wondered what the news vids would say if they could see her now – wanton and naked under her biotic subordinate and she couldn't help the tiny snort that escaped.

"Just thinking about what the reports would say if they could see us now," she assured him when his smile slipped. She wanted to slap herself when his smile slipped further at the gentle reminder of the ever present issue of military service and all the regulations that came with it. "Don't go there, Kaidan. We'll worry about that later."

There was a small pause then he sighed. "You're right. You're right about everything."

"Of course I am," she said cockily and with one swift movement, she hooked her legs around his hips and flipped them over so that he was pinned under her. She settled into his lap with a slow, teasing rock of her hips, keenly aware there was nothing between their bodies but a sheet. His fingers gripped her thighs. When he spoke, his voice was especially raspy.

"I… I feel like I should give you something. Maybe a ring?"

For a split second she was confused until, through the haze of desire, she recalled their earlier conversation.

"A ring before the ring?" she teased with her hands splayed across his bare chest. She could feel his heart beating under her palm then she saw him frown.

"It's hard with our uniforms isn't it?"

"Yeah," she agreed with a little sigh. "Wouldn't be able to wear it anyway. But…there is something we could do."

She sat up reached for the thin chain around her neck and pulled off her dog tags. She hesitated for a moment, wondering if the symbolism would be enough. It was a promise for a promise, something to solidify her feelings for him without actually having to say the words out loud. It was a cowardly thing to do, she supposed. But she wasn't ready to say them yet. She just needed to know they were both headed in the same direction, side by side. "I have one of yours, you have one of mine… it's enough."

He watched her as she swapped over the tags, his eyes hooded with something unreadable. "Shepard-"

She cut him off with a kiss. For the next few hours, they said everything they needed to without words.


	4. Chapter 4

IV.

When their shore leave officially kicked in, Shepard was disappointed to realise it didn't apply to her. Not yet anyway. Once again she was hauled into Anderson's office to go over what they needed to report back to the Alliance brass and with a frustrated sigh, she trudged down the stairs to the crew quarters and found Kaidan at his usual station not far from her cabin door.

"Hey, Kaidan," she said as she stepped into the light of his terminal. He turned with the softest of smiles before he glanced over her shoulder and quickly schooled his face into a mask of utter professionalism. She felt a rush of warmth in her chest at the knowledge the two of them shared a secret that only they could read in each other. She imagined she could feel the tag with his name etched onto its surface resting in the hollow between her breasts and it filled her with a sense of companionship unlike anything else. She itched to reach for his hand but held herself in check.

"Commander," he responded formally. "Have we finally got our orders now?"

She heard the faint echo of hopefulness in his tone and she knew he was thinking about shore leave. The previous twenty four hours following the defeat of Saren hadn't been long enough. They both wanted more.

"Earth," she said simply. "Or Alliance HQ in Vancouver more specifically. Anderson and I need to brief the Alliance brass and they're going to want you nearby in case they opt to haul you in to verify any part of the story since you were on the ground with me. I think we might get lucky… We'll simply forfeit any promotions on account of not being court-martialled."

Kaidan nodded thoughtfully. "I can live with that."

"Me too. So," she cast a glance over her shoulder and was pleased to realise they were alone. She was tempted to drag him back to her cabin but once again, she forced herself to keep her hands to herself - for now. "What will you do on Earth with your time off?"

He relaxed then, turning slightly and leaning against his consol. She joined him, their hips brushing as they exchanged a knowing look.

"I think I'll look up my folks, spend a few days with them. It might be a while before I can see them again with this fight against the reapers on our hands."

"That sounds like a good idea," she nodded.

He didn't answer, casting his eyes downwards but not before she saw the troubled expression in his eyes. She took his hand gently, hazarding a guess at his discomfort. He could be so stoic, so controlled, but she found she was able to read him like an open book. It was his eyes, she decided. Those whiskey coloured depths told her everything even without the words.

"You don't have to tell them about us, Kaidan. It might be best not to… at least for now."

He frowned then, shaking his head. "But I want to-"

"But the fewer the people know about our real relationship the better," she interrupted him gently, coming to stand in front of him and leaning against him. Her lithe frame settled nicely against the broadness of his chest. "I don't want to risk them trying to split us up and we're mature enough to know we can fight and complete the mission without it affecting us. Besides," she kissed him lightly on the lips. "We'll have plenty of time later."

He kissed her back slowly, the way she loved the most and then he pulled away with slightly flushed cheeks. "You're a hard woman to step away from, Shepard."

"I know," she grinned, stepping back and smoothing her palms down the thighs of her uniform. "But back to work, LT. We've got a ship and a trip home to prep for."

He straightened, eyes twinkling with eagerness. "Aye aye, ma'am."


	5. Chapter 5

V.

The trip back to Earth went quickly and the Normandy was dry docked for the more in depth Alliance specific repairs that weren't able to be made on the Citadel. Joker and the crew were shuffled off on limited shore leave while Shepard herself and Anderson answered what felt like the same hundred questions over and over again to the Alliance brass.

By the time the sun started to set over the horizon on the third day, Shepard was close to breaking point as tears of frustration threatened to prick behind her eyes and her nails dug so fiercely into her palms that it was a wonder she didn't draw blood. Anderson didn't look much better and eventually he slammed his fist onto the table and called it a day, sending Shepard packing with the promise that he would make them listen.

She trudged the Vancouver streets in a faint daze, more mentally drained from dealing with the head brass than a week of death defying missions back to back. Her throat even ached a little from answering the constant barrage of questions and she wanted nothing more right now than to crawl into the ridiculously plush bed in her hotel room and sleep for days.

Her omni-tool pinged quietly on her wrist as she weaved her way through the crowds and crossed the street to her hotel. Hover cars zoomed overhead and the smell of the rain from an earlier downpour made her remember standing at her father's graveside as the heavens opened at his funeral. She always hated the rain. Funny, since she was virtually named for it.

The hotel lobby was quiet, bathed in the warm glow of old fashioned tungsten lighting creating an otherworldly effect. She felt a bit as though she had stepped back in time, the rich tapestry of the carpets and gilded gold of the balustrades a sharp contrast to the sterile environments she was used to. Here she could almost imagine she wasn't military, wasn't about to be shipped off on another mission to the other side of the galaxy. Here was somewhere romance could happen like something out of an old vid. She thought of Kaidan, imagining him at home with his parents, drinking a beer and overlooking the bay. She hoped he was enjoying himself and missed him, wishing she could see his familiar face as she unloaded her frustrations over the Alliance's denials.

She was almost at the lifts when a voice called out from the concierge desk and a young woman with her blonde hair pulled back in a severe bun hurried over to cut her off.

"Ms. Shepard," she said. "You have a guest."

Shepard frowned at the woman and gave a heavy sigh. The only people who knew where she was staying were Anderson, Joker and a few members of the Alliance brass which meant she was being called back for more meetings. She tried to hide her irritation. "They didn't have to send someone," she muttered. "I would have come back on my own."

"I'm sorry?" the blonde looked confused. She shook her head then pointed towards the bar. "There's a gentleman waiting for you at the bar. Would you like me to let him know you're here?"

"No," Shepard sighed, looking off to where the woman pointed. The bar was on the other side of the lobby. It was shadowy with warm mood lighting and filled with a small crowd of people enjoying various drinks at small tables and comfortable couches. She couldn't make out any of their faces but figured she only needed to find an Alliance uniform like the one she wore herself. "It's fine, I'll find him myself. Thank you for letting me know."

The woman nodded and stepped out of Shepard's way and she headed over to the bar, pausing briefly at the door and scanning the room. He was facing away from her, perched at the bar with a glass in his hand. Her heart just about stopped when she saw him and she took a few hesitant steps forward. Her stomach gave a little flip when she recognised him. She would know those hands, that profile, that dark hair anywhere and the smile came unbidden to her lips as she stepped into the light behind him.

"I heard you were waiting for me?" she said softly as he turned. The smile on his face and the twinkle in his eyes made her heart soar and she realised she was so ridiculously happy to see him it made her feel like dancing.

"Hey, Shepard," he answered, relaxing back against the bar, a smile teasing his lips.

"I thought you were at your parent's place?"

She slid into the empty seat beside him, deliberately brushing against him as he signalled the waiter to bring her a drink. She couldn't take her eyes off him, so immensely pleased he was there in front of her. She couldn't stop smiling either.

Unlike herself, he'd embraced shore leave and was out of his uniform. She realised with a slight startle that it was the first time she had seen him in civi's and he looked divine. The dark shirt he wore contrasted beautifully with his tanned skin and his pants hugged his thighs that left her anxious to peel them off him. He must have seen the direction her thoughts wandered because he gave a throaty chuckle and leaned in, kissing her softly on the cheek and catching her by surprise.

She glanced around quickly, wondering if anyone saw that, knowing that this hotel was frequented by a lot of Alliance personnel and that she stood out still in uniform but no one seemed to pay them any mind.

"I couldn't stay away," he finally replied. "It took some persuasion but Joker finally fessed up to where you were staying. He knows now, by the way," Kaidan said ruefully and Shepard scoffed.

"He's always known. He just likes to pretend he doesn't so he can be as annoying as possible."

Kaidan chuckled and Shepard had to marvel at how utterly relaxed he was. His beautiful amber eyes were warm as he looked at her, one hand on his glass, the other reaching for her knee in a casually proprietary motion that instantly put her at ease. It should have felt strange to have him touch her so casually, so much like they were an old couple with years of co-habitation behind them but it felt like the most natural thing in the world. It just felt right. Comfortable. It made her relax right along with him.

"Shore leave looks good on you, lieutenant," she smiled, pleased to see this side of him and brushing her hand over where his lay. "You should do it more often."

"I just need someone to spend it with."

"Oh," she responded softly, leaning in towards him. "I think I know someone who might like to do that. Very much."

He chuckled again and she leaned back with a smirk, picking up her drink and taking a sip. The tiredness she had felt earlier seemed to melt away and she was rejuvenated in his presence. There was nothing more that she wanted to do than to fall into his arms but she didn't want to rush. Kaidan liked to take things slowly and to stay in the moment and she was more than happy to oblige.

"So, Ms Shepard-"

"Ah. So, that was your idea," she chuckled, remembering the obvious lack of title from the hotel staff when they notified her earlier.

He tilted his head and shrugged. "I thought… I thought that we could leave the Alliance behind. Just for tonight." He glanced away, his gaze sliding over her to focus on the windows of the bar behind her. "That is, if you would like to."

"Honestly," she sighed, sagging slightly against the bar. "I've had just about enough of the Alliance today. A break sounds like heaven. What do you have in mind?"

His eyes flickered back to her and his lips twitched. If she didn't know better, she would have sworn he looked slightly nervous all of a sudden. It made her want to kiss him but instead she settled for a squeeze of encouragement on his hand where it still rested on her knee. He cleared his throat lightly before speaking.

"I want to take you out on a date. Just you and me. In light of…" he trailed off and she could see him searching for the words in his mind. It was hard to put into words exactly what they were. The unvoiced promises, the swapping of tags. Not quite engaged, but engaged to be engaged. Committed, but a closely guarded secret. It defied definition really, but both herself and Kaidan were known for defying convention. She gripped his hand a little tighter, excitement beginning to build up in her chest.

"I couldn't imagine anything I would rather do more."

He chuckled and looked down at her hand wrapped around his. "I feel like a school boy trying to ask his first crush to prom," he confessed after a moment.

She grinned in response, feeling almost giddy. "I finally understand what all those songs and vids were about," she laughed but then suddenly looked down at her outfit in dismay. "I'm still in uniform."

"I can wait… if you want to change."

She eyed him speculatively for a moment, debating internally about dragging him up to her hotel room with her to change or to leave him here at the bar getting slightly buzzed and even more so relaxed. The idea of him in her room sent a shiver of heat right through her and her mouth went dry at the thought of him in the vicinity of silky sheets. If he came up with her, there was no way that she would be able to keep her hands to herself and they would end up spending the night in bed and lost in each other. _Not a bad way to spend an evening_ , she thought to herself but she was suddenly hooked on the notion of a date. So far, their only real time together involved shooting things, writing reports, and skipping across the galaxy. She had learned a lot of who he was under fire but there was more about him she wanted to learn. She wanted to know who he was outside the Alliance, outside the regs and the protcols they were bound by. She wanted more moments like this, sitting together in a bar with the murmur of patrons, quiet music and the chink of glasses swirling around them in dim lighting.

"I'll be quick," she promised, quickly sliding off her stool and placing a kiss on his cheek. She glanced down, glimpsing a dark shape at the foot of his stool. "Is that your duffle?" she asked.

He looked down and nodded. "Yes. I planned on staying but I didn't want to presume. I can get a separate room if you-"

"Don't you dare," she cut him off quickly, picking up the bag. "Alliance or no, I'm not letting you go until we're back on the Normandy."

He laughed quietly as she determinedly hoisted the bag onto her shoulder and gave him a stern look. "Don't move, Lieutenant, I won't be long."

"Yes, ma'am."


End file.
